Search form

Published May 11, 2013

(Editor's Note: Alliance Updates are intended for an internal audience and should be interpreted by the savvy reader as propaganda.  Also cut out of this hellishly long post are minutae about a Goonwaffe Newbie Drive, a blurb about DUST 514, a party in LA at E3, and various other irrelevancies.)

In the run-up to Fanfest, not much had happened in 'Eve Online, An Oddly Entertaining Game'. To relieve our boredom, we torched Jita again, surpassing the damage of the first Burn with brutal efficiency due to the skills developed by the Ministry of Love over the past year. Glutted on hisec carnage, we waddled happily off to Iceland with the expectation that nothing much would continue to happen until the release of Odyssey in early June. Instead, while Our People and Pandemic Legion together focused on the important life's work of drinking every adult beverage within reach, cavorting with the Reykjavik wildlife, and not sleeping until 7am each morning amidst a relentless week-long liver-destroying hellbinge, Sort Dragon and Progodlegend combined their respective powers of naivete and youthful aggression to abruptly fuck two entire quadrants of the galactic political landscape neatly into a vicar's hat*. 

*We remain eternally in Endie's debt for this stunning masterwork of urbane vulgarity.

Galaxy in Chaos: Sort's Dragons

It was only somewhat Progod's fault, though. Apparently while drunk as a skunk he had insulted Sort Dragon's girlfriend, yet for the rest of Fanfest he was allegedly quite polite. Yet Sort responded to these insults by declaring that the HBC would be off to war against N3 in retaliation, both to defend his girl's honor and because 'we need a war', following in the dearly departed Montolio's footsteps by announcing said war more than two weeks before his actual planned invasion, and all while still marooned in Reykjavik. 

Warning: the rest of this tale reads like the plot of a particularly desperate Brazilian telenovela with far too many characters, none with the slightest respect for a clean, believable fiction. You can just skip past this whirlwind of stupid and go to the next section where we shoot everyone indiscriminately if space politics isn't your thing!  

Perhaps war fever went to Sort's head; it is alleged by TEST that he mouthed off about plans to attack TEST if TEST didn't follow the rest of the HBC to war against N3. I personally witnessed Sort say various such things right in front of a CEO of a TEST corp and not bat an eye. Then, while on live TV, Shadoo informed Sort that Pandemic Legion would be resetting the HBC; by the time everyone had returned from Iceland, Gorga of N3 had given a speech announcing that N3 would only respond to HBC aggression, not preemptively attack, leaving the war-ball firmly in Sort's court. 

Yet Boodabooda, new leader of TEST, was having none of it; incensed with Sort's attitude, he abruptly withdrew TEST from the HBC, which without PL or TEST amounted to Unclaimeddot, EntroPraetorian Aegis, and various other alliances that you've never heard of. It was impossible to keep track of what counted as 'HBC' when Montolio was collecting that corrosive shitpile of pubbies around him, and even less so in these confusing times. 

Now Sort is now in charge of 'whatever is left of the HBC', but that might or might not be controlled by Phreeze of Insidious Empire now (Sort and Phreeze either had a power struggle, or handed things over amicably, and Sort is either still involved or quitting the game entirely, or not - it's hard to keep track each hour), not like it really matters when Angry Russians In Stain (Darkness of Despair) are going to conquer the hell out of the southeast quadrant where -A- once lived.

TEST is led by Boodabooda, who seems alarmingly level-headed and might stick around for longer than the week-ish reigns of Fras and Ingen. TEST is keeping Raiden and Tribal Band blue, but Raiden also just had a leadership change, with long-time campaign commander Kaisur throwing in the towel and possibly quitting Eve; where the previous Raiden administration and TEST got along relatively well, the new one is already demonstrating that classic 'alienate everyone, abandon diplomacy, die friendless' Raiden je ne sais quoi we recall from Tenal. 

There's no point in waiting for things to settle down in the South any longer; we've given up and decided to shoot everything that moves down there and be done with it. 

Head South, Young Man

There functionally is no more HBC, though there might be a few post-HBC entities claiming the name. We have one treaty left in the South, and that's dear old OTEC, which is a bit long in the tooth but still kicking between the CFC, PL and TEST.

That means you can't shoot TEST structures, but literally everything else is fair game in the southwest and southeast. Want to SBU Raiden space to be a dick? Want to moon Tribe? Want to witness the PvP prowess of EntroPraetorian Aegis firsthand? Go hog wild! We no longer give a shit, and apparently neither does PL!

We've sent squads south to Delve to blow up whatever: Freedomsquad, EG and TopGoon are already on a murder spree. The new campaign leader of Raiden was so spooked by the vague war-noises we made over the past few days that Raiden is already evaccing everything they own out of Querious into NPC stations. While we are not actually invading Querious, you never know what kind of stupid crap we'll get up to.  

So get south and get ready to kill stuff. There's ops in every squad in every timezone (and if there isn't, yell at your squad/SIG leaders) and beautiful carnage such as this Friday night killfrenzy to enjoy

The TEST Question

As we've said before, GSF's issue with TEST over the past year can be laid entirely at Montolio's feet. He is gone - besides indulging in the odd bit of passive-aggressive sniping on the forums - and while we are not blue to TEST, we remain friends with them as an entity and at a strategic level. Our diplomatic stance is to try to repair the damage that Montolio did to GSF/TEST relations and sweep all that petty bitter neckbeard crap under the rug. In an ideal world, GSF and TEST will be back to being bros but still shoot each other in chill Caracal vs Talwar slugfests like the one we just had. 

The Future: Grinding Poverty, Odyssey and You

The best financial minds in the galaxy are busy poring over CCP's every move to try to determine precisely how fucked we are after Odyssey. R64s will be buffed - we don't know how much. Production will be altered, but we don't know how or where. Ice Mining is being buffed in null, but fuel prices may or may not spike so much as to render towers of all sorts unprofitable. Technetium is currently at rock-bottom prices due to everyone dumping stockpiles, and will either be rendered completely irrelevant by the aforementioned production changes, or still might be valuable - it is a mystery! 200ish new R64s will be added to the game based on a random seed, but we won't know where until we re-scan all our regions after the patch. 

We remain absolutely committed to wrapping you in the warm blanket of fuzzy, oppressive space socialism after Odyssey, as our highest priority as an alliance is to enable you to lose poorly-fit battlecruisers to the same gatecamp in VFK night after night and never suffer the vaguest sting of loss for your foolishness. How we get there is a mechanical question though, and may require adjustment to our fiscal policies. That may mean nationalizing moons like Thulium and Hafnium, taxing refineries, and various minutiae which put 94% of the alliance immediately to sleep.

Realtalk: It seems like the entire galaxy is rushing to set up renter systems but us. We despise renters, except for Aryth who wants to set up a Realm of Pubbie Exploitation. We might be enriched after Odyssey, we might be completely fucked, we might need to torch Querious and take all of Raiden's R64s (That would be rank madness, conquering a region so far away from Deklein just for its R64s, and this is obviously just a jest. Ha ha!) as a hedge against the uncertainty. We might need only to slightly tighten our belt. Finance is on it, they're smarter than us, and we're going into this patch with our best foot forward - Finance has been planning for Techmageddon for more than a year now. 

The Mittani
Goonswarm Federation CEO, Space Tyrant. Likes yoga, Alaskan Malamutes, bacon, and delegation.

Support the Site

Helping TMC Grow October 3, 2013

Recent Threads